A while back I shared some of my favorite passages from The Book of Evangelical. Well, funny story: I was at a yard sale last weekend and happened upon a rare copy of The Dictionary of Evangelical. Naturally, I snatched it up. I had to share.
|Abortion||Basically the worst Sin anyone could ever commit.|
|America||A Christian nation.|
|Anti-Christ||The current Democratic president or presidential candidate. Will ignore the Constitution, take away our Religious Freedom, pronounce self dictator for life, enact martial law, require everyone to become Atheists, and force all Women to get Abortions whether they they’re pregnant or not. Probably a Muslim. This person’s rise to power will begin the End Times and will lead to the rapture.|
|Atheist||Someone who is going to Hell because they don’t believe in God. See also Liberal.|
|Atonement||The method by which God took out all his Anger at your Sin on Jesus instead of on you. Allows Salvation.|
|Baby Christian||Someone we think would believe the Truth that we believe if they were taught correctly.|
|Bible||A book that has no errors, no matter what evidence to the contrary.|
|Calling||A mystical feeling that some men (never Women) get that lets them know God wants them to be a pastor.|
|Catholic||Almost a Christian, but worships Mary and idols. A few of them may be Christians, but most are Atheists and are going to Hell.
Our forefathers were Catholic, but we learned The Truth.
|Constitution||America‘s founding text, inspired by the Bible. Guarantees Religious Freedom.|
|Democrat||An Atheist who wants to take away our Religious Freedom and supports Planned Parenthood because he/she loves the idea of killing unborn babies.
Note: If this person is a politician who is running for president, see Anti-Christ.
|Devil||1. A liar who tries to trick Christians into not believing that the Bible is the Inerrant Word of God.
2. A scare tactic to avoid logical arguments.
|Devotions||Spending time every day reading your Bible and praying.|
|Doubt||1. When you’re not sure everything we’ve told you is true;
2. Something you must overcome;
3. The root of Atheism.
|Ear-Tickling||Telling people what they want to hear instead of the Truth. Always done by someone else’s pastor.|
|End Times||1. A horrible time of judgment when God’s wrath will be poured out and all the Atheists and Muslims will be punished for their Sin.
2. A time for which Christians wait with impatience and hope.
|Evangelical||A Christian who believes that the Gospel is good news.|
|Evolution||A lie from the Devil meant to undermine the first three chapters of Genesis and thereby the whole Bible.|
|Faith||Knowing that the Bible from cover to cover precisely represents God’s opinions on all subjects.|
|Father God||A phrase to use in your prayers when you’re not sure what to say next.|
|Global Warming||A lie from the Devil to trick us into taking care of the earth.|
|Gnosticism||(Obscure) the ancient Heresy that says you are a soul and you have a body, and your goal is to get your soul out of your body into Heaven.|
|God||The supreme being who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good. If you think this means evil shouldn’t exist, you need more Faith. See Trinity.|
|God’s Will||1. Basically everything that happens.
2. Our favorite Republican becoming the next President of America.
|Gospel||The threat that you’re going to go to Hell if you don’t pray the Sinner’s Prayer and mean it.|
|Grace||The reason God didn’t send you to Hell on the day you were born and hasn’t since, and will allow you into Heaven if you pray the Sinner’s Prayer.|
|Head Knowledge||Knowing the Truth but somehow managing (against your will) to not believe it.|
|Heaven||A wonderful place that your soul goes when it leaves your body. Definitely do not see also Gnosticism.|
|Hell||1. When threatening someone: Eternal Conscious Torment.
2. When arguing that God isn’t an asshole for sending people there: Separation from God.
|Heresy||Things some Christians believe that we know are wrong.|
|Heretic||Someone who believes in God but has good arguments for not believing the exact same things we do. See Atheist.|
|Holy Spirit||Third person of the Trinity; God’s voice today; would never tell Christians that contradicted anything they learned in Sunday School.|
|Homosexuality||Basically the worst sin anyone could ever commit short of Abortion.|
|Israel||God’s chosen people who must be supported no matter what terrible things they do.|
|Jew||Someone who is almost a Christian.|
|Just||A word to use in your prayers when you’re not sure what to say next.|
|Liberal Christian||An Atheist who thinks he or she is a Christian.|
|Liberal Pastor||Someone who teaches the Social Gospel.|
|Love||Whatever God does, no matter what it looks like. Can include commanding genocide and sending people to Hell.|
|Marriage||Only between a man and a Woman! But not a sacrament.|
|Money||1. The root of all evil.
2. A blessing from God.
|Muslim||Someone who is going to Hell because they believe in the wrong god.|
|Nazi||Someone who does things we think are wrong. See also Atheist, Liberal.|
|Overthink||(verb) To look too closely at important issues. Caused by and/or leads to Doubt.|
|Pastor||God’s right-hand man (never Woman) on earth when we agree with him.|
|Planned Parenthood||An evil organization founded by liberals to murder unborn children. See also Nazi.|
|Praise||Worship, but with more “bounce.”|
|Prosperity Gospel||A lie from the Devil that makes the Gospel about something other than going to Heaven when you die.|
|Racism||1. A problem other people have.
2. Not a skin problem, a Sin problem. Caused by people not believing the Truth.
3. Planned Parenthood doing more Abortions for black people than for white people. Not police shooting unarmed black men.
|Rapture||1. When Jesus will come without warning and takes our souls and our bodies to Heaven.
2. (Obscure) A doctrine invented in the 1800s and retrofitted onto the Bible.
|Religious Freedom||Our freedom to subject everyone else to our religious beliefs.|
|Republican||A politician who believes that Abortion and Homosexuality are Heinous Sins and should be illegal.|
|Salvation||A thing you can possess that means your soul is going to Heaven when you die.|
|Sex||Something awful and dirty and sinful that you should only do with someone you’ve committed to love for the rest of your life.|
|Sin||1. What God forgives us for doing.
2. What God sends other people to Hell for doing.
3. Things other people do that we don’t like and can (creatively or otherwise) interpret Bible verses as being against.
|Sin, Heinous||Sins we neither do nor forgive, like getting an Abortion or being Gay.|
|Sinner’s Prayer||A magical prayer you pray that gets you Salvation.|
|Slavery||Something that was okay in its biblical form, but the Bible does not now and never has supported the slavery practiced in the American south!|
|Social Gospel||A lie from the Devil that makes the Gospel about something other than going to Heaven when you die.|
|Swear||(verb) to use any naughty words, esp. vulgar words. This word has nothing to do with taking an oath, which scripture does actually prohibit.|
|Televangelist||Someone who preaches the Prosperity Gospel.|
|Tithe||Giving 10% to your local church, what the Bible says notwithstanding.|
|Trinity||The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We pray to the Father in the name of the Son, and we generally don’t talk much about the Holy Spirit.|
|Truth||What we believe. See also Bible.|
|Universalism||The Heresy that God won’t send anybody to Hell for all eternity.|
|Women||1. People who are not permitted to speak in church.
2. Temptations for men.
3. People who must submit to men.
|Word of God||See Bible.|
|Worship||Singing “How Great is Our God┘” and all its derivatives, and meaning them.|
|Wrath of God||God’s furious anger at all the things we hate.|
If you are an evangelical and these do not resemble your theological perspectives, I’m probably not talking about you. I’m probably talking about the 76% of white American evangelicals who have decided Donald Trump is the best current US Presidential candidate.