You’ve gotta be kidding me (or) I don’t WANT to survive, Otto! I wanna LIVE!!

This is ridiculous. I really… yeah. This is just crazy.

The past 3 days have been a crazy blur of activity, inactivity, activity, and insanity. And I still don’t know quite what’s going on. I guess I’ll start with Monday.

Monday, August 17, 2009
I called the place I was gonna rent an apartment from. The apartment I was looking at last Wednesday had been rented already. Crap. But I drove out to that apartment community anyway, to look at a different one they would have available by THIS Wednesday. It was quite ok. I filled out the application, paid a $15 fee, and left.

On my way toward home, I stopped at FedEx Ground, where I’ve worked before. Everyone seemed happy to see me again. I filled out the application, and it was just a matter of getting a DOT physical taken again, and FedEx having my references checked. The job was as good as mine.

I drove off to MedExpress to get said physical. BACKGROUND: I once wore glasses. I was once required to by a restriction on my driver’s license. But I’d gotten rid of that. Unfortunately, my vision isn’t up to DOT standards. 20/40 in both eyes is the minimum requirement. I’d need glasses to get by.

A funny thing happened while I was in the exam room. I had to wait for a pretty long time for the doctor to come in, and while I was waiting, I started thinking how awesome it had been to work with people at Jumonville and how rotten it would be to work on my own, solo, by myself, and then come home to an empty apartment. That’s when I found out that if I want the FedEx job, I’ve gotta get glasses. It was no big deal, because I had a resume already in the inbox of another guy, who called me on my way home and said he wanted to interview me over the phone on the next day, which happened to be

Tuesday, August 18.

I called the guy with the business. He installs electronic stuff in banks. Nice guy. But he seemed very career-minded for me. He’s looking for someone who wants to continue their education in the field he’s in. …And honestly, I couldn’t care less. I said I’d get back to him.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I don’t want a career in that field, and I don’t want to be taking “jobs” for the rest of my life either. I guess conflict is good, in that it demonstrates something is wrong and I’m not ok with it!

So I looked up “Filmmaking college christian” on google. Odd search. I found Huntington University. Then I called them on my way to the library to get wifi and get more info. The call was useful. I started thinking this might just be the way to go. Then I found out the cost: almost $30k a year. Yipers. They do offer financial aid. I filled out the FAFSA, then spent yesterday trying to decide what’s next, finding my high school transcript, SAT scores, and all that other stuff that’s seven years old.

I always did say I’d go to college if I ever figured out what I really wanted to do. Now I know. I think.

The apartment place called. I don’t have a job, but they assured me it’d be ok if I wanted to rent from them. …They just wanted the entire year’s lease paid up front. Can I afford it? Yes. Is that ridiculous? YES. Yeah…NO.

So I hung out at my friend Bryan’s house and we talked about how God uses unlikely people like Moses (old dude with a stick taking on the greatest superpower in the world at the time), David (teenager with a slingshot taking on a highly trained professional soldier), and people like us. And how I’m apparently in a “good place,” seeking what God wants me to do. Bryan said that, anyway. Good place. I told Bryan he should try switching with me. Grr. I love that guy, though. So we prayed and encouraged each other… every time we get together, a prayer meeting breaks out. 🙂

And then I came over to my dad’s store to look for stuff, like SAT scores. No luck. But my dad tried to talk me out of doing this college thing. “You could do this by yourself, read the books, buy the equipment…” etc.

No. I don’t have that follow-through. I’d get busy doing other things. Working at FedEx, or wherever I got “just another job,” or whatever. Besides, I don’t know people who are interested in this or have the time. (If you are and do, maybe let me know). I kept looking and re-looking into people who are already doing what I want to do. None of them are looking for help, at least not outside their church.

And so I continued, frustrated, into…

Wednesday, August 19

I had a bunch of thoughts running through my head. My mom suggested I call focus on the family because they’ve done stuff like that. My dad suggested I at least VISIT Huntington U before I sign up. But I wanted to talk to my pastor, Mike Stahl, before I made that trip. So I went over to the church.

While I was waiting, I looked up the local Christian TV station, Cornerstone, on my phone. I called Focus on the Family. They want people who are either experienced, schooled, or in school. I’m none of the above.

So I called CornerStone. A friendly guy named Steve talked to me and offered me a tour at 1pm. I said yes and got there 20 minutes early.

Steve took me all around CornerStone TeleVision. Yes, the V is capitalized. The longer I looked, the more I knew that this was not something that I wanted to be doing. Live TV, that is. So many people doing so much to keep everything working smoothly! Oi! So much work! –Not that I have a problem with work. I just didn’t like the work-inside-8-hours-a-day-in-a-dark-place work. But anyway, after the tour, Steve and I talked and I told him my heart was more in the area of story. He gave me the cell phone number of a guy who’d produced a TV show on cornerstone, whose name some of you would recognize, and I was on my way.

And that brings us up to now.

I got my FAFSA in, I sent off my transcript and SATs by fax to Huntington (I applied yesterday). Everything is going so fast and yet so slow. I wish God would let me in on exactly what He’s doing, instead of little hints like the extension of the deadline for Huntington, or Steve being so willing to give me the guy’s cell number, or give me a tour…

I just really need to keep doing this, before I come to my senses and realize that people like me can’t do things like this. Before I wake up and decide that I couldn’t possibly do this, and opt to live a “normal” life. Before I start deciding to take “no” for an answer easily again. Before I give up on living and start opting to survive.

I keep praying, asking God what’s up, where to go, what to do. And He seems (sometimes) strangely silent. Yet He leads by providence.

And that’s what’s keeping me going on this craziness: A quote from Wall-E.

“I don’t wanna survive, Otto! I wanna LIVE!

“Now unto Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can ask or think, unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus… Amen!