There once was a man named Tom Kimbelroy Fittens
and he was a man who had many opinions
on things ranging widely, from love to religion
and politics, music, but least of all, kittens.
Tom Kimbelroy thought (it was barely a whim)
That kittens were better than puppies, to him.
Now one day, as it happened, Tom Kimbelroy stumbled
on a newspaper article that said dogs were jumbled
They stank and they peed anywhere that they pleased
and their rolling in poop would soon lead to disease.
So then, without thinking, Tom Kimbelroy turned
and posted on Facebook the things that he’d learned.
He knew that his friends who knew kittens were best
would all like his status, be pleased – but the rest
his crazy old friends, who still liked their puppies
would realize that they had been mindless old guppies.
They’d soon see the light, they’d soon give up dogs
– but what’s this? A comment, from Tumbleton Cogs.
Old Tumbleton lived on the outskirts of town
he too had opinions, enough to go ‘round
the world at the equator six times, that Cogs
but the problem was, Tumbleton really liked dogs.
He was quick to reply, and to point out the flaw:
Tom’s article scratched only the tip of the paw.
“The problem is, kittens turn into old cats
They can’t be controlled, and they grow up so fast
They scratch up the furniture, pee on the rug
They take over your home – just like some old thug!
But the worst thing about cats,” said old Tumbleton firmly,
“Is cats do not see you as owner, or family.”
Tumbleton turned from his keyboard with glee
He knew that Tom Fittens would soon come to see
He was right about Kittens, and Kimbelroy, wrong
And Tom would be glad he’d corrected his long
and rambling (and patently false) bit of thinking
Oh come now, Tom Fittens, what have you been drinking?
But pleasure was not what Tom Kimbelroy Fittens
felt when he read what Cogs said about kittens.
Now remember I said right away, at the start
that kittens were not in first place in Tom’s heart?
Well what Tumbleton said made them first in his brain
and Tom Kimbelroy started
“Your facts are all lies!” Fittens practically shouted.
“You got them from sources that all have been outed
as cat-hating dog-loving, biased resources
I wouldn’t believe them if they said that horses
were four-legged creatures with tails and a mane
You should be receiving “The Cat On The Plain.”
Tom Kimbelroy Fittens now smiled with delight:
Tumbleton would know he would not win this fight
for though Kimbelroy’s sources were biased as well
he knew “The Dog Daily” was biased as heck.
As little as he’d cared before this debate
His interest was growing, sealing his fate.
Tumbleton didn’t like that Tom called him a liar
For Tom was the one whose pants were on fire.
“‘The Cat On The Plain’ is all nonsense, and it
really only is good for cleaning up poop.”
His self-esteem lifted, he clicked on “reply”
and waited to see his old friend’s next new lie.
Somehow in the fight, Old Tumbleton Cogs
had forgotten that he didn’t care much for dogs
But it was too late, as it was for Tom Fittens
Who was trapped in this fight, of all things, about kittens.
And now, I am sure, unless one has been killed,
for all that I know, they argue there still.